I cannot recall a moment–that makes it worse. I cannot look back through the frail perfection of hindsight and gaze upon it–right there, that moment.
I lost it gradually. I did not notice it had faded until it was almost gone. Even then my attempts to recall were halfhearted–in traffic I saw a full rainbow and I thought, oh. Perhaps you were there. But it was brief and when the cars moved I moved and I did not bring you along.
Still, I went through the motions.
I could not admit the loss.
I do remember the moment that I became angry that you were ever real for me.
Again and again they die. Their mothers despair, and their fathers go to ground with them.
You do not answer. Your voice has never touched my ears, and the words, “he has a plan” do not still me.
I am alone in my thoughts, as I have always been alone. My heart belongs to me. No one will mend its pieces. No one will ensure justice, in this world, or the next.
My faith is gone.